Nothing More Than Friends

Dear K,

You were the first person I saw on my 15th birthday that wasn't in my family. I was there when you got dumped by your first girlfriend, and you were there when I dumped my first boyfriend. I adore your brother and sister; you love my dog. You're honest with me but never mean. You help me with the guy we both know who's obsessed with me; I help you when your not-so-perfect year-and-a-half relationship gets rough. We must have sung "Somewhere Only We Know" together on Singstar a dozen times by now. We've seen each other in the worst states and the worst moods. You've seen me with no makeup; I've seen you with no gel in your hair. The first time we met, when we were really young, you told me girls couldn't hurt guys, so I kicked you in the shin and you cried. I've known you for nearly six years and we've been friends for that long. I wrote you a letter on a train that I don't know if you still remember. You kissed your girlfriend for the first time in my bedroom, but it wasn't me. I was there for you when your best friend got concussion and you were terrified; you were there for me when I sliced my hand open with a knife and then passed out from blood loss. I'm the girl but you've never seen me cry; you're the guy but I've seen you cry dozens of times. I remember your birthday better than my best friend's. I told you that you had girl eyelashes, so you tried to wreck my makeup. We played a duet for a Senior Citizens Dinner Dance, and in all the rehearsals we raced through the music so we could gossip about our friends. You volunteered to come over early and help with my dad's surprise party; I ask to come to your house when my dad's working late. My friends like you; I like your friends. We're best friends.

And I'm in love with you. I'm sorry. I know you're happy with your girlfriend - one of her friends told me she's thinking of breaking up with you, and I can't tell you, because it would break your heart, and anyway, she hates me. I love you so much. She doesn't value you. She doesn't appreciate your stunning kindness or your romantic streak or your sudden smile or your vulnerability or your absolutely beautiful eyes. I bet she couldn't tell you what colour your eyes are without looking, but I know. They are honey-coloured, with flecks of green around the pupil and copper at the edges. I love you so badly. Whenever I'm standing behind you I've got to walk away because if I didn't I wouldn't be able to stop myself putting my arms around you from the back and holding you like I never want to let go. Your beautiful eyes are the last thing in my mind before I fall asleep. I love you so much. It's like that quote that everyone says. "I fell in love with our friendship." I can't imagine being without you. I want to be happy because you're in my life, but at the same time I feel like crying because you'll only ever be my friend. It is socially unacceptable for us to be together - and you don't want me anyway.

I love you. I'm sorry. I wish I was good enough to be someone you deserve.